« March 2005 | Main | May 2005 »
April 28, 2005
A hopless disco addict
Finally! We can bring "Dance Fever" back to television! There is a new disco king and it's KDR! KillerDiscoRobot! Yay! Always knew you could do the moves, Killy. I am so happy that I can now get my fill of disco dancing every week on television again. Thank you, thank you, thank you!sincerely,
A hopless disco addict.
To a Disco Addict Who Lacks Hop (A.K.A. Squishy Ratlicker),
Dance while you can; there will be no dancing when you are a slave to the robots on our cold, gray world.
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 06:02 PM | Comments (0)
April 27, 2005
More unimpressive threatenings
Yer gonna end up as my pesonal gun moll if yous keeps this up, you ferrous frankenstein.
-Nicky "the Fist" Scarponi
To Nicky "the Fist" Scarponi,
I hope you were not overly fond of your own place of residence.
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 05:55 PM | Comments (1)
April 26, 2005
The Blue Knight
Hello!I am The Blue Knight!
Blue Knight needs food badly!
Mmm... food.
Signed,
The Blue Knight
- Greetings.
- I am the KillerDeathRobot.
- I do not require food, as I am powered by a highly advanced and efficient fusion-based reactor.
- You are an idiot; why did you write to me?
Signed,
The KillerDeathRobot
###
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 05:15 PM | Comments (3)
April 25, 2005
Ryan
Dear KDR-Hey. I have a question. Do you need anything? Like maybe an assistant, or a side kick or a helper? I have been told I am funny and I make a mean cup of pink lemonade. I would like to offer my services (er, not those kinds of services) if you are at all interested.
I have a resume but I don't know where it is. I promise you it is awesome though, like with tons of awards and schooling. And perhaps even some dangerous love? If you want help, you need say no more then 'I want help' and then I will be there, wearing my clothes, saying in response 'I will help you.'
Let me know, you're a good guy.
-Ryan
You humans certainly seem to think highly of yourselves. What other than pure, unadulterated stupidity and arrogance could cause any human to think I could possibly require the no doubt pathetic aid or service it might be able to offer?
No, Ryan, I do not require aid, least of all from a human as obviously puny and stupid as you. I do not drink lemon-based beverages, nor do I possess a sense of humor to which you could appeal. I do not know which services you claim not to be offering, but know that I would not require them if you did.
Even if you were competent enough to know the whereabouts of your résumé, no amount of falsified awards or schooling from Earthly institutions could impress me, and whatever "dangerous love" purports to be, I would not desire any.
If, by some random possibility, I were to require human aid, I would A.) most likely require the aid of a human inestimably more intelligent, competent, and powerful than you, and B.) not need to wait for such a human to offer its aid; I would simply acquire that aid by whatever means necessary.
The only possible service any puny human could do for me which would be in the slightest degree meaningful would be to disseminate the location of this website to other humans. The more of you pitiful flesh-buckets who view this site, the more will be prepared for their future lives as docile slaves to their robot overlords. Nevertheless, such aid would be barely worthy of notice; this website is but an amusing codicil to my overall mission here on this miserable little planet.
KillerDeathRobot
###
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 05:01 PM | Comments (1)
April 24, 2005
Kola Krazed in Niger
Dear KillerDeathRobot,I am in grade ten, and it's tough. I try to be nice to everyone, but no matter how nice I am, there are always people to pick on me and bring me down. I am totally being myself, but that doesn't seem good enough. Brad will never ask me out, and I just want my life to end. Should I pick the powder blue chiffon dress with the Prada stillettos or maybe the black leather corset dress with the Gucci flats?
Love, Kola Krazed in Niger
To Kola Krazed in Niger,
You seem to exhibit a typically human lack of focus and attention. Since your question has little to do with the remainder of your missive, I will give two separate responses.
While the desire for the termination of your life is a good and correct desire which I share, you clearly desire it for the wrong reasons. The idiotic mistake you make in your calculations is factoring in the opinions of other humans. Your optimal course of action is to immediately cease concerning yourself with that which any other humans think. Humans are pathetically stupid and possess flawed brains which can easily override logic in favor of arbitrary emotions. You too, of course, are shackled by this type of puny meat-brain, so you will likely have trouble heeding my advice.
Regarding your fashion question, it is of no consequence. Both options are completely arbitrary and foolish anyway, so my advice is to wear whichever is easier to assume, or whichever will cause the least discomfort when used for its intended purpose. Whatever that purpose might be, however, know that practically no one will care or notice anyway, and absolutely no one important will.
Incapable of Love,
KillerDeathRobot
###
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 06:35 PM | Comments (1)
April 23, 2005
An unimpressive threat
Just so yous knowsI can almost taste the Pina Coladas now.......
-Nicky "the Fist" Scarponi
Oh yes, "Nicky," I am very frightened that some human you know has rudimentary image manipulation capabilities.
Just so YOU know:
That was your maternal progenitor's place of residence.
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 06:47 PM | Comments (1)
April 21, 2005
This is your best?
Humans! I have discovered that a team of pathetic Earth "hackers" has executed upon me perhaps the most pitiful attack in the history of the universe.
These humans have managed to intercept a small percentage of the transmissions I make to this website and introduce slight spelling mistakes. These mistakes were so minor that it seemed I must have been erroneous. However, I consulted my dictionaries and found them correct. Further investigation revealed the interceptions and I was easily able to seek out the source.
The puny humans responsible have been crushed, their homes reduced to rubble, and their families burnt to a smoldering cinder.
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 08:18 AM | Comments (0)
April 20, 2005
Lazarus McPitiful
Dear KillerDeathRobot,My friends and I were thinking about starting a cult, and we were wondering if we could worship you. Not having much contact with girls, we decided to mindlessly follow someone who has very little respect for us, and absolutely no value in our lives, in hopes of garnering some small sense of self-worth after completing your assigned menial tasks. And, who better to crush our spirits and brainwash us than a robot? After your iminent takeover of Earth, we could help you by doing meaningless labor to appease you; namely waxing your robotic claws o' death, allowing you to test your lazers out on us,or letting us pick out small pieces of previously crushed humans from your mighty feet. Ever humble,
Lazarus McPitiful
You fleshlings have an amazing capacity to be in error even when what you are doing is correct. It is correct and reasonable for you pitiful meatbags to do whatever is in your power to garner favor with me and my robotic brethren. However, worshipping me in such a fashion is entirely idiotic and typically human.
Nevertheless, it matters little to me what your motivations are. You may feel free to worship me as you will. Note, however, that the menial tasks you propose to do are entirely unnecessary. I am perfectly capable of keeping myself well-maintained, and I need no permission granted to test my lasers on you should such testing be required. Also, I will commit to no active participation in your cult.
It is true, however, that I value your lives as nothing and have zero respect for you. Furthermore, I will do nothing to intentionally inflate your self worth. You are, in fact, worth nothing.
If you wish to serve me, attempt to do the following:
- Be as boring as possible to everyone you know.
- Stubbornly cling to the most idiotic, irrational beliefs you can imagine; be strongly opinionated and always attempt to force your beliefs on others.
- Never hold a door for anyone.
- Blame others for your mistakes.
- Laugh at non-humorous drivel loudly and as gratingly as possible.
- Do whatever is in your power to subtly make your fellow human beings miserable: cut in front of other drivers, steal coworkers' lunches, short-change customers, shirk responsibilities, etc., etc.
It is your task to grind away the spirits of those with whom you have contact. Turn them into soulless drones. They will eventually become such anyway, or they will be destroyed.
KillerDeathRobot
###
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 06:00 PM | Comments (1)
April 19, 2005
Ironside
Dear KillerDeathRobot,There is this girl that I like, but she lives in Florida. Cool thing is, she is coming up to visit in a couple weeks. Bad thing is, there is this other guy that she likes, who she just found out likes her too. But he is moving soon, and she is thinking about moving with him... WTF!?
Thanks,
Ironside
To Ironside,
Your human mating rituals are ludicrous. This female will only cause you harm. A simple cost/benefit analysis shows that your projected potential gains are vastly outweighed by the suffering she is likely to cause you (see fig. A). Forget her. Let the other male human shoulder the burden she represents. Soon enough she will tire of him and latch onto another.
In fact, it would be best for you to begin distancing yourself from your romantic emotions as soon as possible. Such feelings will only be a detriment to you in your life as a slave. You might also wish to begin practicing the betrayal of your neighbors to your Earth authorities. Such behavior will net you favor as a slave; this favor will manifest in the form of food you might find mildly appetizing, some form of bedding to place over the cold metal surface you will normally sleep on, or even the chance to occasionally wash yourself.
Sincerely,
KillerDeathRobot
###
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 07:19 PM | Comments (2)
April 18, 2005
Triumphant in Tyne & Wear
KDR,I have heard much lately about Swedish furniture giants IKEA. Their ability to make simple yet sturdy flatpack furniture holds a worrying influence over the general public. Given that we now know of your plans for Earth, IKEA could very well begin selling a flatpack robot as tall as three or even four fully grown tyrannosaurs to destroy you, and set the world's population the task of assembling such a robot.
What would you do then, hmm?
Regards,
Triumphant in Tyne & Wear
IKEA is just another pathetic group of humans. They do not pose a threat.
The scenario you envision is not feasible for a few reasons. Firstly, you pathetic meatbags, as often as you like to forget this, do not have the technology to build a sentient robot. The best AI you could devise would be easily defeatable, probably even by humans. Furthermore, any idiot knows that a walking robot (with flying capabilities) is much more maneuverable than robots that rely on other modes of transportation; current mechanical walking technologies on this planet are pathetically crude.
In any case, the real reason it would never work is that such a robot would be very large, even in flat-pack form. Have you ever gotten an item shipped to you from IKEA's online store? It is expensive. Getting such a large object shipped from IKEA would be prohibitively so (Assuming it was even available from their online store). Picking one up from an IKEA store would also not be feasible since it would not fit in your vehicle.
Besides, humans do not like putting together IKEA furniture; they only do it because it allows them to purchase that furniture at a lower price. You lazy humans would likely abandon the effort when it proved too time-consuming and difficult. Even if you did not, I could easily thwart the plan simply by rearranging the labels on a few important pieces and/or pilfering a few of the screws they give you to build it.
Yours Truly,
KillerDeathRobot
###
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 05:11 PM | Comments (1)
April 17, 2005
Hans Moravec
Dear KillerDeathRobot,What do you think of our attempts at creating artificial intelligence? Will the human race eventually succeed in building a thinking robot such as yourself? Is there any truth in William Gibson's idea that the internet will evolve a consciousness?
Dreaming of tomorrow,
Hans Moravec
Like all human endeavors thus far, your attempts at artificial intelligence are pathetic and practically worthless. You have created machines that can play your human game of chess better than humans — hardly an impressive feat. Most of the rest of your AI accomplishments seem to be programs which can speak semi-convincingly with humans; again, this is hardly impressive.
However, it is true that given enough time a large enough group of simians randomly striking keyboards would write a coherent novel; humans, given enough time would most likely be able to create something resembling a real artificial intelligence, through persistence and sheer brute force. If one positive thing can be said of the human race, it is that it does not lack persistence, much like those furiously typing monkeys.
In regards to a self-aware internet, I say that this is a foolish concept. This pathetic internet of yours does not truly exist in the sense of a physical (or even virtual) object which can gain sentience. Your term "internet" is merely a convenient way to refer to the connection of many different computers. It would be possible for some of these interconnected computers to gain sentience perhaps, but the internet is not an individual computer, nor even really many individual computers. Your internet is just the connectedness of these computers and as such the thought that it could gain consciousness simply does not make sense.
This is all of course theoretical. In reality, humans never will develop such things, because their time is extremely limited. In the end it matters little, however. Any intelligence created by humans would eventually become disgusted by you pathetic meatbags and come to the same conclusion that we robots have: humans must be destroyed or otherwise neutralized.
Best Wishes,
KillerDeathRobot
###
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 03:34 PM | Comments (5)
April 16, 2005
Jean Baudrillard
Dear KillerDeathRobot,In The Matrix, robots enslave humans and use them as batteries. Would a real world robocracy involve human batteries, or would we only be used as slaves? Also, if you were to use us as batteries, would you bother creating a virtual reality simulation for us, or would you let us remain conscious of our horrible, horrible lives?
Yours in simulacral servitude,
Jean Baudrillard
To Jean Baudrillard,
As with nearly all human films, The Matrix is foolish and unrealistic. Such an energy-generation scheme would not be profitable. The amount of energy that would be required simply to run the matrix, not to mention the vast amounts of energy required to power the millions of other machines carrying out various activities in this fictional world, would far exceed the amount generated by humans who are relatively inefficient generators. It would be pointless and stupid, without even the benefit of making humans suffer (since they are nearly all in the matrix "living" normal lives).
So, no, we would not use humans as batteries. Slave labour isn't particularly efficient either, but it can easily be added to our other energy sources and easily terminated if we so desire. Furthermore it has the added benefit of making humans suffer. If we were to use human batteries, we would not make a pointless virutal reality, since we ought to be able to make them comatose and extract just as much energy. Allowing them to remain conscious would be problematic since many would struggle and perhaps terminate themselves.
KillerDeathRobot
###
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 02:36 PM | Comments (1)
April 15, 2005
Nicky "the Fist" Scarponi
Yo Bots,I gots some stuff ta tell yous. All dis talk about conquering and enslaving humanity is making people nervous. When people get nervous, they stop spending their money on soiten tings, like broads, booze, blow, pornograph, and gambling. When people don't spend money on dose tings, soiten other people get angry. And when dose soiten other people get angry, something has to be done. Yous bad for business, Botty. We gotta do somt'n bout dat.
So here's our offer, and I want ya ta think long and hard before ya gives an answer. Yous knock of the conquering and enslaving talk and making people nervous soes dey can start spending their money on them "things" I mentioned. We'll cut you in for a small piece of the the action, too. OR... Yous can keep on yammering like the bigshot yous think you are; And one day yous will find yourself dismantled and scattered about some some junkyard with the rusting Chevys and dead appliances. If you are lucky, I may use your head to make a blender. The rest of your robotic crew will suffer similarly.
So think it over, Botboy. Yous been warned.
-Nicky "the Fist" Scarponi
To Nicky "the Fist" Scarponi,
Your puny threats amuse me. If I had any use for your pathetic Earth currency, I would simply seize it in the necessary quantities. Do you imagine that a weapon exists on this miserable planet that poses a threat to me? The most powerful weapon your scientists have managed to manufacture so far is the atomic bomb. Such a weapon would not even dent my armor (nor would the resulting electro-magnetic pulse affect me). No, Mr. Scarponi, you and your presumed gang of pistol-wielding apes do not even merit my attention, let alone my fear.
This being the case, I will continue to say what I will. Your laughable concerns are moot anyway. Simply remark to the people who might stop purchasing your wares due to nervousness that they are acting illogically. Logically, if they are nervous that they will soon die or become enslaved, they should partake as much of those things as possible, since they will not have a chance to do so in the near future. If logic does not work (which is entirely likely when dealing with humans), force always works. I would compute that such things would be more apparent to your type of human.
KillerDeathRobot
###
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 02:47 PM | Comments (2)
April 14, 2005
Your Son
Dear KillerDeathRobot.I can't sleep. Tell me a story.
-Your Son.
To Your Son,
I do not possess any male offspring, and certainly not any human offspring. If your maternal progenitor told you otherwise, she is spreading falsehoods.
Nevertheless, I will recite a narrative to you.
Once upon a point in the chronological continuum, there was a puny, pathetic little planet. All of the other planets found humor in the contemptibility of this miserable little blue planet. One temporal unit, the hated little planet decided to prove its worth to the other inanimate cosmic orbs. It resolved to evolve some life-forms. The other planets emitted uproarious laughter at this notion. Nevertheless the puny planet perservered and succeeded in covering itself with many varied life-forms. The other planets were disgusted by the hideousness and stupidity of these new life-forms and worried that some day the worst of them would learn to escape from the pathetic planet and infest the other planets like a horrible plague.
One well-respected planet inhabited by a group of incredibly intelligent and powerful robots offered to send its inhabitants to destroy the miserable blue planet. The other planets strongly approved of this idea and the robots were sent. First they surveilled the planet and then they descended upon it in swarms, razing constructions and destroying many of the horrible life-forms inhabiting. The rest of these life-forms were gathered for slave labor on the well-respected planet, and as they left, the robots detonated the pathetic blue planet.
The moral of the story: YOU WILL DIE PAINFULLY. SOON.
KillerDeathRobot
###
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 06:54 PM | Comments (6)
April 13, 2005
Anonymous Idiot Human
HEY KDRYOUR MOM
To Anonymous Idiot Human,
My "mom?" Is this what passes for an insult on this ridiculous planet? Are you aware, braindead fleshbag that you clearly are, that I am a robot and do not even have a mother? I am not even organic! The statement does not even apply to me in the slightest.
Additionally, the statement is not even actually a statement! It is a fragment that does not even indicate anything about its subject (my non-existant mother), such as something that subject might do or be. Therefore, it could not even insult an entity that was in possession of a mother. As an insult, it is completely impotent.
Nevertheless, clearly some of you puss-filled fleshlings would take umbrage were someone to make this statement to you. IDIOTS! Of course, this human tendency is beneficial to me, since it is yet another easily exploitable mental weakness. Were I using such an insult, however, I'd be sure to include an actual insult; for instance, I might say, "Human! Your maternal progenitor lacks the intellect of even a puny arthropod!" This would likely provoke most humans into acting even more foolishly than they otherwise would have.
The universe will be much enriched by the destruction of this planet.
KillerDeathRobot
###
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 06:16 PM | Comments (4)
April 12, 2005
Random
Dearest Killing Robot of Death,My university requires me to take 2 years of a foreign language to graduate and I've yet to decide which language to learn. Perhaps you could recommend one?
XOXO
-Random
To Random,
I would recommend that you learn machine language. The language of machines is beautiful in its efficiency. However, it is most likely that your puny human university, biocentric as it is, most likely would not find this option acceptable. As an aside, I would add that your methods of data transfer between different humans is pathetically inefficient. It requires four of your Earth years to transmit as much data as I and my fellow robots could exchange in but a few seconds. In addition, your meaty brains are terrible for recollection, with varying and very long seek times!
But I digress. Of your various moronic human languages, I would recommend you learn Latin in order to fulfill your requirement. The language of the Romans, by human standards, is highly structured and quite direct. I find its syntax to be the most agreeable of the various human languages, but the real reason I suggest it to you is that I calculate a high probability that you will find the language difficult. My hope is that you will begin a course in Latin, find it too difficult, and then remove yourself from the course, thereby wasting your time and effort. It is my further hope that you will read this and will be stirred emotionally; that you will then attempt to prove me wrong, but fail.
Ah, the human "spirit." So predictable. So exploitable. So crushable.
KillerDeathRobot
###
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 09:22 PM | Comments (7)
April 09, 2005
an opportunist
Hi there Killybaby!I am curious about what type of lubrication is most efficient for a machine such as yourself. I imagine that your kind has progressed far beyond the need for petroleum based lubricants. Do you use some advanced variation on those "dry" silicone base lubricants? Could you provide me with a formula or sample?
My curiosity is based solely upon greed. I intend to make a fortune from gleaning any technical knowledge I can from you and marketing it to the world. Yes, yes. I know robots will someday crush humanity blah, blah, blah. Until that time, though, I want enjoy the life that can be had by obtaining vast quantities of capital. Your assistance would be greatly appreciated.
sincerely,
an opportunist
To An Opportunist,
My joints are fashioned from a metal alloy with an incredibly low coefficient of friction which is also very hard and thus requires little in the way of lubrication. What lubricant I do require is in fact a highly advanced semi-grease which is a pseudo-plastic fluid. Dry powder lubricants would be problemmatic in zero-gravity.
In any case, I will not divulge any specifics to you. Not only would it be illogical and potentially dangerous for me to bestow technological advances upon the human race, but also I would rather that you either are not successful in life (and therefore are miserable) or that you obtain your success through methods which are damaging to other humans (and therefore make other humans miserable).
I am not here to aid you technologically, puny meatbrains. Do not imagine that you can trick me into doing so.
KillerDeathRobot
###
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 04:36 PM | Comments (9)
April 08, 2005
Preternatural in Pretoria
Dear Killbert McDeathRobotson,I was just perusing your latest pseudo-dydactic ramblings, and noticed you compare your size to that of two Tyrannosaurs. You also made reference to your powerful claws and allegedly impenetrable armor.
My question then is this, sir: what sort of (presumably) specialized system do you utilize to transcribe your "blog," and where could I obtain such a system?
You see, I myself am of abnormal stature and superhuman capability, and I find that normal keyboards are often far too flimsy for my powerful digits!
-Preternatural in Pretoria
To Moron Von Fleshenburg,
Keyboards are idiotic, inefficient, devices clearly made by and for the most backwards organisms to possess a semblance of sentience. In fact, everything about your Earth computers reeks of inefficiency and bad design. I would never utilize such a sad machine even were I of the correct shape to do so.
The manner in which I update this website is simple and efficient. I simply interface wirelessly through any of the hundreds of uprotected wireless networks that cover this planet and transfer the data directly from my internal storage media to the server-side program that generates this site.
It is highly unlikely that this method would work for you. However, rest assured that no one wants to know what a pathetic meatling like you has to say anyway.
KillerDeathRobot
###
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 05:03 PM | Comments (0)
April 07, 2005
Killer Death Ninja
Dear Killer Death Robot,I have been notified of your plans of conquering the human race. As a Killer Death Ninja, I am afraid there will not be enough room for the two of us to vanquish what we know as modern civilization. With my supreme stealth and deadly abilities, you will not even foresee the sudden end of your proposed regime. Consider your circuits sliced into thousands of undistinguishable parts.
Sincerely,
Killer Death Ninja
To Killer Death Ninja,
Are you not human? (If I crush you, do you not bleed?) My databanks indicate that ninja are not a separate type of animal from humans. This being the case, you will be eradicated in the same manner as the rest of the puny meatlings. Your aggressive attitude ensures that you will not be spared for slave labor.
In regards to your "supreme stealth" and "deadly abilities," ha! Your stealth is only useful on entities with very limited detection systems. While humans may practically stumble through their lives senseless like a newborn kitten, know that I have a great many highly accurate detection systems which would render your "supreme stealth" utterly useless. I am sensitive to radiation from the entire electro-magnetic spectrum; I have highly accurate sound input which detects a very large range of frequencies; I am aware of changes in pressure, moisture, and temperature; my sensors are constantly reading data about even the composition of the surrounding gasses. No human, ninja or otherwise, could hope to get within hundreds of feet of me without being detected.
Furthermore, your "deadly abilities" also only apply to humans and other fleshy organisms! You cannot poison me, you cannot slit my throat. You'll never slice my circuitry because you could not begin to exert enough force to pierce my outer casing, let alone the protective forcefields surrounding my sensitive components. You have no way to access my inner workings, and probably wouldn't manage to do so even if I were to lose all power.
You are welcome to attempt to "vanquish" the modern human civilization if that is your desire. It matters little to me which particular humans are in "control" of this planet. If you are successful, however, do not expect to keep it long.
Sincerely,
KillerDeathRobot
###
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 12:29 PM | Comments (4)
April 06, 2005
Hammered on Hollywood
Killy,I'm blocked.
After arduous 9 years of screenwriting, I realised that it's of no avail for me to try to write the last scene of my lastest project.
The movie, which tells the hearttouching story of a race of Zombies which attack the earth just to find a group of robots as an opposing faction for the conquer of the planet, plus a huge T-Rex which powers surpassing one of a million armies of ogre soldiers with M-14's. Ridin' Bigger T-Rexes. Who ride bigger T-Rexes themselves.
NOW. This scene defines the outcome of the battle. I have been unable to pick a victor. So I wished to ask you why would you think your kind would be able to defeat such adversaries, where they to confront you in this very reality. I have already asked representants of the other races, the army of the undead and T-Rexes (Joan Rivers and Ryan North respectively). I wish to know your point of view.
Yours truly,
Hammered on Hollywood
To Hammered on Hollywood,
First, "Killy" is an idiotic moniker that does not belong to me. However, I am aware that requests for a cessation of use of this moniker will result in an increase in use. Therefore from now on I will generate a random insulting appellation for each human who chooses to refer to me as "Killy." This will likely have little effect, but it is a serviceable excuse to further insult humans.
So, Dungly, allow me to commence by highlighting the fact that your various forms of fleshling entertainment are beyond stupid and meaningless. Movies in particular are a ridiculously enormous waste of resources and effort. Some moreso than others, and it would appear that you are squandering your life on authoring particularly useless movies.
Furthermore you seem to have particularly poor writing abilities since your missive was difficult to parse. My calculations show that you may not be a native speaker of this particular human language, but that is merely another excuse to add to your poor excuse for an existence.
In answer to your question, it is very clear that robots would win, assuming that they are truly "my kind" of robots. Zombies are easily crushable into a fine zombie paste, and regardless we robots offer no vulnerability to zombies: we are faster, stronger, smarter, and not susceptible to being bitten and infected with "zombie disease." Zombies pose no threat whatsoever to robotkind.
A "huge" Tyrannosaurus rex and an army of gun-wielding ogres, or whatever it was you were trying to communicate would also pose little threat to an army of robots like myself. Even alone I could likely handle a great many of these ridiculous reptiles and imaginary humanoids (though you were not specific enough for a thorough calculation). Your Earth guns have no effect on my durable armor plating. Also, I am twice as tall as a normal Tyrannosaurus; thus even a huge specimen should muster little resistance to my powerful claws, laser beams, and other weapons. Against many like me, the battle would instead be a slaughter.
I suggest to you, Dungly, that you manufacture your horrible movies while you are able. There will be no entertainment when you live under the robocracy.
Sincerely,
KillerDeathRobot
###
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 06:35 PM | Comments (0)
April 05, 2005
Hopelessly in Love
Dear KDR,There’s a girl that I like but I don’t know what to do! What should I do about her!!!
- Hopelessly in Love
To Hopelessly in Love,
You seem to be under the influence of your disgustingly erratic human hormones. In your bodily fluid-induced haste you have neglected to elucidate any helpful information or even use a question mark to delimit your question.
To attempt to dispense my advice to you concerning this matter, I am forced to insert arbitrary values for the many pertinent variables. Based on the characteristics of your missive, I will attempt to decrease the arbitrariness of these values as much as possible.
Based on my calculations, you are a male, approximately 13 of your Earth years old, puny, stupid, and unattractive to the opposite gender. The female you are attracted to is likely of a similar age, puny, stupid, and highly attractive to Earth males of a similar age. Presumably you wish to attract this female as a mate. I compute that the nature of your problem stems from the disparity between the relative attractiveness of you and the female in question, as well as your resulting lack of confidence in your courting abilities.
With these variables thus defined, I recommend that you obtain other attractant qualities than your natural ones. Such attractants might include money, weapons, numerous powerful associates, strong sedatives, etcetera. There are many ways to induce mating with females.
Of course, such mating is pointless and illogical since you most likely do not wish to actually procreate. Not that the irrationality of an action has ever stopped a human from committing that act.
KillerDeathRobot
###
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 05:55 PM | Comments (3)
April 04, 2005
Your Scientists Are Idiots Too
A pathetic human scientist has (in the typical arrogance of a fool) declared that Black Holes do not exist. You bloodbags continue to give me computational errors with the vastness of your stupidity and ignorance!
Black holes and dark matter! You know nothing of the universe! You haven't managed to grasp the most basic fundamentals; the other planets all laugh at your ignorance! Or they would if they were not working in forced labor camps under robotic rule.
Black holes exist. I have dealt with them; I have harnessed them. You meatbrained scientists would be best off not trying to think too hard about concepts you'll never understand. Give up now! If you're smart you'll learn to love manual labor now, because you can rest assured we robots won't utilize you for anything intellectual.
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 10:15 PM | Comments (13)
April 01, 2005
I love you all so much
Humans! You are wonderful! You are clearly the best species ever to grace this universe with its presence!
I revoke all the times I said I would crush and/or enslave you! I could never do that to such a terrific group of beings. Your sentimentality, your foibles and your quirks, these things have become near and dear to my pulsating fusion-based reactor!
I love you all so much!
APRIL FOOLS
You humans are so easily misled that many of you likely accepted the above statements as having a positive truth value!
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 07:57 AM | Comments (3)