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June 21, 2005
Laboring with humans
My return to employment after my short sojourn to battle my enemies has brought into sharp relief the more unpleasant aspects of laboring alongside humans (that is, all aspects of laboring alongside humans).
As an aside, during my absence, my human overlord labored under the misapprehension that I was away on "urgent family business." The gullible fool! It did however pain me that such a deception was necessary when I would have rather simply razed the office to the ground.
Returning to the subject of my human coworkers, I wish to relate that if they are an accurate indication of human workplaces in general, then you meat-sacks will be better off as slaves to us robots. The pettiness! These humans are so puny that the only manner in which they are able to increase their own senses of self worth is to tear down their fellow fleshlings. The ridiculous backbiting and "politics" which occur would cause me to vomit, were such a thing possible.
It seems perhaps some humans have taken some advice I previously have given (or perhaps did not require such advice) and are actively engaged in breaking the spirits of their coworkers. They are mind-numbingly boring and stupid (purposefully or otherwise), and any who are not are resented and plotted against. They seemingly care nothing for others (though they make outward appearances of such) except perhaps for those with whom they have made alliances (and in these cases perhaps only to keep the alliances in tact).
I have studied these humans and have mastered this art of tearing the humans down. I steal or contaminate lunches in the break room; I am calculatingly vague in my communications such that others make mistakes based on mistaken assumptions and information; I co-opt meetings into personal name-calling and blame-passing and cause even less to be accomplished than normally would; I send false emails to supposedly the wrong human with information which makes it appear that others are speaking ill of them behind their backs (to use a logically foolish idiom); in short, I make the lives of the humans with whom I work as miserable as possible while remaining blameless myself.
At least when you fools are dead or slaves, you will not be allowed to interact in this fashion. You will work hard and you will coexist efficiently, or you will die. Anything you do to lower efficiency will cause you to cross a threshold at which point it is more efficient to simply terminate you.
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 06:45 PM | Comments (13)
June 14, 2005
Unexpected Mission
For the past several of your Earth days I have been away from this dismal excuse for a planet. I was called away unexpectedly to perform a mission on a nearby planet. I had to be transferred into my larger chassis, as this was a combat mission.
Our enemies had established a foothold on a planet relatively close to your pitiful Earth, from which they hoped to launch an offensive to conquer this planet. They have been dealt with. You humans should thank me, I have saved your planet and your lives.
Although most likely they would have been, from your perspective, better captors than we shall be. They would have made mistakes and within a generation or two your race would have either begun cross-breeding with them or you'd have successfully revolted, or both. Perhaps you should not thank me after all.
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 07:52 AM | Comments (2)
June 06, 2005
Technical Support 2
My sensors indicate the reception of yet another communication attempt via telephone. I respond.
KillerDeathRobot: I acknowledge your existance, human. State the nature of your query as efficiently as possible.
Idiot Human: Er... my computer doesn't work.
KDR: Thank you. That was very helpful.
IH: Are you being sarcastic?
KDR: Of course not. Technical support laborers are incapable of such actions.
IH: Okay...
KDR: Tell me the nature of your problem.
IH: I told you, my computer doesn't work.
KDR: IDIOT. TELL ME THE NATURE OF YOUR PROBLEM WITH MORE SPECIFICITY.
IH: Hey! You can't talk to me like that!
KDR: Of course I can. We have both recently witnessed evidence that proves your claim false.
IH: I'm not an idiot! You take that back!
KDR: This is impossible. If you wish my assistance, please state the nature of your query as specifically as possible.
IH: ... fine. Whenever I open up the internet, my computer goes really slow and I can't do anything.
KDR: State the type of computing device you are utilizing.
IH: Um... it's black.
KDR: Black. Thank you. State the processor your black computing device utilizes, as well as the amount of system memory.
IH: Processor? Oh it's um, Windows? And I think I have some gigs of memory.
KDR: Thank you. I have now calculated the solution to your problem.
IH: Great! What do I do?
KDR: Rotate your computing device such that the rear faces you, without disconnecting the power cord.
IH: Okay, just a second... okay.
KDR: Obtain a pencil, pen, or other similarly shaped object.
IH: Okay I have a pen.
KDR: Locate the fan of your computer's power supply. It will likely be toward the top and will be spinning.
IH: I... yeah ok I found it.
KDR: Insert the pen into the fan, forcefully if necessary.
IH: What? You're not supposed to put pens into fans!
KDR: HUMAN. OBEY MY COMMANDS. You must insert the pen into the fan in order to properly regulate the megahertz of your computing device. A technician would do the same, but with a specially made tool which is much the same as your pen.
IH: Oh... okay I guess. Augh! That kind of hurt. Well it's in there.
KDR: Good. Now unplug the device.
IH: Okay. It's making weird noises.
KDR: That is to be expected. Now you must open your device's case.
IH: Okay I know how to do that.
KDR: Do so.
IH: ... it's open.
KDR: Now you must obtain large quantities of paper.
IH: Paper? Why?
KDR: Human, are you a technical expert?
IH: N-no...
KDR: If you wish to obtain my assistance, you must heed my will.
IH: "Heed your will?" What are you, some kind of super-dork?
KDR: HUMAN, YOU HAVE NO CONCEPT OF THE POWER I WEILD.
IH: Haha whatever...
KDR: DO YOU VALUE YOUR FINANCIAL ACCOUNTS, HUMAN?
IH: Fine! Fine! I'll get some paper!
KDR: Good.
IH: Okay, I have a whole pack of paper.
KDR: Now you must crumple each piece and place it inside your computer case.
IH: That will take a little while.
KDR: I am patient.
Several of your Earth minutes pass.
IH: Okay, it's like, all full of paper.
KDR: Good. Now you must replace the casing and wait one hour. After this period, you must overturn your computing device and pour ordinary honey into the fan you stopped with your writing utensil. Use as much as you are able to obtain. Finally, wait one further of your Earth hours and plug the machine in. Be sure that the pen is still inserted into the fan.
IH: Uh... okay. Are you sure that's a good idea?
KDR: 100% certainty level.
IH: Okay then... I'll call back if it doesn't fix the problem.
KDR: Certainly. Good bye.
IH: Bye.
Upon disconnecting, I reconfigured the telephone system to forward this human's further attempts at communication to an answering machine only accessible by me. A few hours later, it called back.
Answering Machine: *BEEP* We apologize for the inconvenience, but we cannot take your call at this time. Please leave a message.
Idiot Human: YOU #&%@ING MOTHER#&%@ERS! I'LL #&%@ING KILL YOU!! MY #&%@ING COMPUTER CAUGHT ON #&%@ING FIRE YOU #&%@ING #&%@TARDS! AAAAAAUGH! #&%@!!! *click*
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 06:03 PM | Comments (2)