The New Girl
A new human has recently been hired by the human corporation at which I am employed. This human is female, a fact which has caused strange, irrational responses from Betty. Betty seems angry about the addition of this new female to the office.
This new human female (who is called by the appellation "Ruby") is for the most part smaller than Betty, although her mammaries are considerably larger. Nevertheless, larger mammaries would only be a hindrance in a battle, so it is unclear why Betty feels threatened by Ruby.
Ruby's arrival has elicited a veritable flood of interrogatives from Betty to this unit.
"Do you think she's pretty, Killy?" Betty asked.
"No, foolish female, I find her as disgusting as the rest of you fleshy idiots."
She seemed to ignore my response. "Can you believe how skimpy that outfit she's wearing is?!"
"Yes. I have witnessed and recorded her attire in my memory banks."
"Oh, so you've been looking at her!"
"I observe all humans."
"Oh, Killy! How could you!" shrieked Betty.
I replied, "I simply utilize my many advanced forms of sensory equipment," but Betty had already retreated hastily to the bodily waste elimination room for females.
I then performed some calculations which led me to deduce that Betty believes Ruby to be a threat to Betty's mating with me. How idiotic! I do not desire any foolish human as a mate, but if I did, I would of course desire the human most skilled in battle. Betty has a clear size advantage and my calculations show that she would have a 89% chance of victory in one-on-one combat with Ruby.
I expressed this sentiment to Betty, but it did not seem to comfort her much. In most cases, this would be acceptable, but in the current situation, unfortunately it means I must endure increased amounts of speaking and outbursts from Betty.
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Recent Entries
- Interview
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- Another New Girl
- The New Girl
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Comments
Maybe you should give 'Ruby' some flowers. Except they're actually a disguised Brain-Drilling Device!
I've always considered commiting convoluted homicide to be one of the best way's to win someone's heart.
You don't have a heart, do you, Killer Death Robot? Perhaps a mechanical equivalent? I'm unsure what purpose it would serve, but it would certainly be more efficient then ours.
by: Solomon. Date: 07.31.2005 at 17:23
Your comment indicates a perception that I have a desire to "win [Ruby's] heart." This perception is foolish and incorrect.
I regards to a heart, I do have a means to distribute energy throughout my chassis (which is essentially the function of the heart and blood in humans), but I possess nothing like the heart humans speak of when they refer to feelings of love. Had I such a foolish, irrational piece of hardware inside of me, I would promptly remove and destroy it.
by: KillerDeathRobot. Date: 07.31.2005 at 18:46
No, no, I was talking about murdering Ruby to appease Betty. You did seem to express contempt towards her upset outburts and such. I figured the only way to stop it would be for ONE of them to get murdered.
Forgive me; my human brain often fails at getting it's point across eloquently.
by: Solomon. Date: 07.31.2005 at 22:26
My calculations show that Betty would be irrationally upset at such an outcome. It is difficult to predict exactly what she might do, but there is a high probability that a better outcome will be reached by simply ignoring this problem; Betty will get over it within a few of your Earth days or at maximum weeks.
by: KillerDeathRobot. Date: 07.31.2005 at 22:31
Man, it doesn't matter if you're flesh or metal. Women are always insane.
I can't imagine why a woman wouldn't be appeased by the knowledge that she has an 89% chance to defeat another woman in single combat. I know I would be.
by: Randomus. Date: 08.02.2005 at 07:06
Why not simply 'smash' Ruby in secret?! They cannot convict/destroy you if they found out, so it would be the perfect crime.
by: Gav. Date: 08.11.2005 at 07:58
To what end? I show a high probability that the death of a coworker (especially a brutal death), regardless of culprit, would cause much disturbance to Betty's psyche. This would lead (with 98% certainty) to worse Betty problems than I currently face.
by: KillerDeathRobot. Date: 08.11.2005 at 08:16
I'm sorry, i didn't think it through...
I'm pretty ashamed.
by: Gav. Date: 08.12.2005 at 09:30
Yo. It's pretty clear Killy's tappin both them broads. He's so busy with 'em that he hasn't posted anything new in weeks.
by: Nick Scarponi. Date: 08.12.2005 at 19:49
I do not post when I have nothing to say. If nothing significant has happened, and no pitiful humans have requested my advice, it would be inefficient to post simply for posting's sake.
by: KillerDeathRobot. Date: 08.13.2005 at 13:05