Dear KDR: Kelly

Hello, Killerdeathrobot.

My name is Kelly, and I have a problem. You'll see, my boyfriend, Jean-Luque, told me yesterday that he loves me, but a friend from another town called me last night. I got really excited, because we hadn't talked in a while. Our cordless phone isn't working for some reason, so I had to sit in the living room amoungst my family to talk to him. I'm not sure if I like him or not. I think he's just a really great friend. We're hanging out this weekend, and I am so excited. I couldn't fall asleep last night because I kept smiling. Also, theres this guy that I work with, Rob.. but he has a girlfriend... but he flirts with me.. and sometimes I think... I wonder what it would be like... but she has him tied up and I dont have a chance.

What should I do, Killy?

Loves, Kelly.

To Kelly,

The very first thing you should do is remove from your mind all thought of ever referring to me as "Killy" again. I am not your friend (in fact, I strongly desire to crush you), and thus you are not welcome to address me in a familiar manner.

The next thing you should do is realize that no one really loves you. It is clear that you are annoying and stupid. You ramble pointlessly in even this short missive to me, and are most likely unbearable in any longer exposure. Your boyfriend says he loves you because he desires sexual intercourse. He is a mindless animal who will go to great lengths to satisfy the urge to procreate, if his choice in females is any indication. Also, he has a stupid name. It should be revoked and he should be issued a number.

Your old friend is likely the same way. He puts up with your inane drivel in the hopes of sex. No one cares if you are excited or happy. Your family probably hasn't killed you yet simply because it is illegal.

Your co-worker Rob is probably lying to you about having a girlfriend. He hates you so much that he is unable to overcome it in favor of his procreation urges, and thus creates elaborate deceptions to make himself seem unavailable.

I have numerous suggestions I could give to you concerning what your next actions should be, Kelly. However, you are clearly too vapid to even understand what I have said thus far, so you might as well go on living your pointless life until you are either destroyed or enslaved.

Sincerely,
KillerDeathRobot

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To ask your own question, flesh-lumps, email me at advice@killerdeathrobot.com

KDR: End of Transmission

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