Dear KDR No. 1
Humans! I have begun a new feature for this web site wherein I dispense advice to puny fleshbags who write to me. If you are interested in obtaining such advice, send your question to advice@killerdeathrobot.com.
Dear Killer Death RobotI have been dating a girl for several years now. She seems to be the one, but I'm not sure. Is she the one? She's really nice to me, but sometimes I think she's actually praying to false gods. They are ketchup packets. Is she the one?
Hopelessly in Love
To Hopelessly in Love
You are stupid. Since you are a human, perhaps this goes without saying. However, since you are a human, things left unsaid will not be understood. Therefore I wish to make it clear that you, "Hopelessly in Love," are a stupid, emotional, paranoid flesh-bag.
You seem to be worried that your female companion of several years has been replaced by perhaps a clone or android with the same appearance. You are unsure if she is the same "one" you have been courting. Rest assured, lowly sack of viscera, that your loved one is not a clone or android. Your pitiful Earth technology is not capable of producing such entities, nor would any one from any other planet bother to replace your worthless female.
There is some chance that your mental processes have malfunctioned and that you are insane, but my calculations indicate that my earlier assertion of your stupidity is more likely the cause of your distress.
Regarding packets of processed tomato products and the worshipping thereof, my computations indicate that the most likely cause of this is that she desires to be rid of you. You are obviously moronic and puny and thus not fit for a mate. She therefore is probably experimenting with methods to remove you from her life. Being unable to crush you (as I would have done on sight), she must likely be circumspect and make you wish to leave her.
She hates you. You might as well kill yourself.
Regards,
KillerDeathRobot
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Comments
Dear Killer Death Robot,
My friend has recently become emo, and I'm really worried about him. All he does anymore is cry and listen to whiney music. How can I make him snap out of it?
Tip o the hat,
Lackluster in LaSalle
by: Lackluster in LaSalle. Date: 03.17.2005 at 21:20
You will be dealt with at a later date.
by: KillerDeathRobot. Date: 03.17.2005 at 22:29