Hopelessly in Love

Dear KDR,

There’s a girl that I like but I don’t know what to do! What should I do about her!!!

- Hopelessly in Love

To Hopelessly in Love,

You seem to be under the influence of your disgustingly erratic human hormones. In your bodily fluid-induced haste you have neglected to elucidate any helpful information or even use a question mark to delimit your question.

To attempt to dispense my advice to you concerning this matter, I am forced to insert arbitrary values for the many pertinent variables. Based on the characteristics of your missive, I will attempt to decrease the arbitrariness of these values as much as possible.

Based on my calculations, you are a male, approximately 13 of your Earth years old, puny, stupid, and unattractive to the opposite gender. The female you are attracted to is likely of a similar age, puny, stupid, and highly attractive to Earth males of a similar age. Presumably you wish to attract this female as a mate. I compute that the nature of your problem stems from the disparity between the relative attractiveness of you and the female in question, as well as your resulting lack of confidence in your courting abilities.

With these variables thus defined, I recommend that you obtain other attractant qualities than your natural ones. Such attractants might include money, weapons, numerous powerful associates, strong sedatives, etcetera. There are many ways to induce mating with females.

Of course, such mating is pointless and illogical since you most likely do not wish to actually procreate. Not that the irrationality of an action has ever stopped a human from committing that act.

KillerDeathRobot

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advice@killerdeathrobot.com

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