Lazarus McPitiful

Dear KillerDeathRobot,
My friends and I were thinking about starting a cult, and we were wondering if we could worship you. Not having much contact with girls, we decided to mindlessly follow someone who has very little respect for us, and absolutely no value in our lives, in hopes of garnering some small sense of self-worth after completing your assigned menial tasks. And, who better to crush our spirits and brainwash us than a robot? After your iminent takeover of Earth, we could help you by doing meaningless labor to appease you; namely waxing your robotic claws o' death, allowing you to test your lazers out on us,or letting us pick out small pieces of previously crushed humans from your mighty feet. Ever humble,

Lazarus McPitiful

You fleshlings have an amazing capacity to be in error even when what you are doing is correct. It is correct and reasonable for you pitiful meatbags to do whatever is in your power to garner favor with me and my robotic brethren. However, worshipping me in such a fashion is entirely idiotic and typically human.

Nevertheless, it matters little to me what your motivations are. You may feel free to worship me as you will. Note, however, that the menial tasks you propose to do are entirely unnecessary. I am perfectly capable of keeping myself well-maintained, and I need no permission granted to test my lasers on you should such testing be required. Also, I will commit to no active participation in your cult.

It is true, however, that I value your lives as nothing and have zero respect for you. Furthermore, I will do nothing to intentionally inflate your self worth. You are, in fact, worth nothing.

If you wish to serve me, attempt to do the following:

Be as boring as possible to everyone you know.

Stubbornly cling to the most idiotic, irrational beliefs you can imagine; be strongly opinionated and always attempt to force your beliefs on others.

Never hold a door for anyone.

Blame others for your mistakes.

Laugh at non-humorous drivel loudly and as gratingly as possible.

Do whatever is in your power to subtly make your fellow human beings miserable: cut in front of other drivers, steal coworkers' lunches, short-change customers, shirk responsibilities, etc., etc.

It is your task to grind away the spirits of those with whom you have contact. Turn them into soulless drones. They will eventually become such anyway, or they will be destroyed.

KillerDeathRobot

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advice@killerdeathrobot.com