Technical Support

The pathetic excuse for a communication device sounds.

KillerDeathRobot: Greetings, fool. What is your query?
Puny Human: Um... my computer doesn't work.
KDR: Ha. Ha. Ha. This increases my amusement factor.
PH: Wha-what? Can you help me fix it?
KDR: Of course. Tell me the nature of the malfunction.
PH: Oh, um, I can't get my email. I keep getting a weird error or something.
KDR: This problem is pathetically easy to remedy. Even an idiotic human like you should be able to solve it!
PH: Hey! I want to talk to your supervisor!
KDR: This is unfortunate for you.
PH: What? Let me talk to your supervisor!
KDR: No.
PH: Well are you going to help me?
KDR: I will remedy your problem.
PH: Okay. Good. What do I do?
KDR: Tell me what operating system you are running.
PH: Operating system? Oh, I think Windows maybe?
KDR: I suppose it does not really matter. The first thing you must do is unplug the machine immediately.
PH: Okay, just a sec... Okay, I unplugged it.
KDR: Now you must open the case.
PH: How do I do that?
KDR: You will require a crowbar.
PH: I, um... really? Well I think I have one in the garage...
KDR: Retrieve it.
PH: Okay, hang on a moment. Okay, I have the crowbar. Are you sure I need this? Can't I unscrew it or something?
KDR: This is the superior methodology for intra-chassis intrusion.
PH: Okay, if you say so... so how do I get it open?
KDR: Insert the crowbar, forcefully if necessary, into any gaps you can find in the case. Apply leverage horizontally until a panel is removed.
PH: Uh, ok. Are you sure this is the best way... ?
KDR: Of course.
PH: Okay. Um, I think I hear things breaking.
KDR: This is normal.
PH: The panel is bending... okay it came off...
KDR: Ha. Ha. Wow.
PH: What? You told me to do this.
KDR: Of course. I was merely marveling at your efficiency in removing the case.
PH: Oh, okay. Well, it's open now.
KDR: Yes. Now you must obtain glue.
PH: Glue? Why?
KDR: It is very technical. You would not understand.
PH: Is this normal?
KDR: This is the routine solution to your problem.
PH: Okay, I've got some Elmer's Glue. Will that work?
KDR: That will suffice. Open the cap by turning it counter-clockwise.
PH: Yeah, okay, it's open.
KDR: Turn your case upon its side. Now locate the various fans in your case.
PH: Okay, I see two. One on the back and one in the middle.
KDR: Fill them with glue.
PH: Why do I have to do this again?
KDR: Unglued fans routinely disrupt the user's ability to receive email.
PH: Wow, I didn't know that. Why don't the fans come pre-glued?
KDR: The computer companies are in collusion with the glue companies to force you to purchase extra glue.
PH: Oh. Well, so I just pour it in?
KDR: Yes. The fan on the motherboard especially needs to be filled with glue. Once you are finished, wait 30 of your Earth minutes and then plug the machine back in. You will get best results if you insert and remove the plug from the socket several times before leaving it inserted. Boot the machine and you should have full access to your email.
PH: Okay, thanks! You were a big help! This was pretty easy! I feel like a computer geek now!
KDR: Yes, you are practically an expert now. Good bye.
PH: Good bye!

My human employment overlord (who I can crush at any time) walks into my cubicle, his mouth hanging open. He has been listening.

"That was AWESOME! High-five!"

My claw is not well suited to high-fives.

KDR: End of Transmission

Comments

Man, I don't even care if I get enslaved. That's comedic gold!

by: Liam. Date: 05.13.2005 at 08:07

Sounds pretty much like most tech support lines. KDR will excel in this field, I imagine.

by: yates. Date: 05.13.2005 at 08:35

"Open the cap by turning it counter-clockwise."

I am speechless.

by: shana. Date: 05.19.2005 at 05:24

I tried that before and it never works

by: Superninjaspyassassin. Date: 05.26.2005 at 17:00

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