Technical Support 2

My sensors indicate the reception of yet another communication attempt via telephone. I respond.

KillerDeathRobot: I acknowledge your existance, human. State the nature of your query as efficiently as possible.
Idiot Human: Er... my computer doesn't work.
KDR: Thank you. That was very helpful.
IH: Are you being sarcastic?
KDR: Of course not. Technical support laborers are incapable of such actions.
IH: Okay...
KDR: Tell me the nature of your problem.
IH: I told you, my computer doesn't work.
KDR: IDIOT. TELL ME THE NATURE OF YOUR PROBLEM WITH MORE SPECIFICITY.
IH: Hey! You can't talk to me like that!
KDR: Of course I can. We have both recently witnessed evidence that proves your claim false.
IH: I'm not an idiot! You take that back!
KDR: This is impossible. If you wish my assistance, please state the nature of your query as specifically as possible.
IH: ... fine. Whenever I open up the internet, my computer goes really slow and I can't do anything.
KDR: State the type of computing device you are utilizing.
IH: Um... it's black.
KDR: Black. Thank you. State the processor your black computing device utilizes, as well as the amount of system memory.
IH: Processor? Oh it's um, Windows? And I think I have some gigs of memory.
KDR: Thank you. I have now calculated the solution to your problem.
IH: Great! What do I do?
KDR: Rotate your computing device such that the rear faces you, without disconnecting the power cord.
IH: Okay, just a second... okay.
KDR: Obtain a pencil, pen, or other similarly shaped object.
IH: Okay I have a pen.
KDR: Locate the fan of your computer's power supply. It will likely be toward the top and will be spinning.
IH: I... yeah ok I found it.
KDR: Insert the pen into the fan, forcefully if necessary.
IH: What? You're not supposed to put pens into fans!
KDR: HUMAN. OBEY MY COMMANDS. You must insert the pen into the fan in order to properly regulate the megahertz of your computing device. A technician would do the same, but with a specially made tool which is much the same as your pen.
IH: Oh... okay I guess. Augh! That kind of hurt. Well it's in there.
KDR: Good. Now unplug the device.
IH: Okay. It's making weird noises.
KDR: That is to be expected. Now you must open your device's case.
IH: Okay I know how to do that.
KDR: Do so.
IH: ... it's open.
KDR: Now you must obtain large quantities of paper.
IH: Paper? Why?
KDR: Human, are you a technical expert?
IH: N-no...
KDR: If you wish to obtain my assistance, you must heed my will.
IH: "Heed your will?" What are you, some kind of super-dork?
KDR: HUMAN, YOU HAVE NO CONCEPT OF THE POWER I WEILD.
IH: Haha whatever...
KDR: DO YOU VALUE YOUR FINANCIAL ACCOUNTS, HUMAN?
IH: Fine! Fine! I'll get some paper!
KDR: Good.
IH: Okay, I have a whole pack of paper.
KDR: Now you must crumple each piece and place it inside your computer case.
IH: That will take a little while.
KDR: I am patient.

Several of your Earth minutes pass.

IH: Okay, it's like, all full of paper.
KDR: Good. Now you must replace the casing and wait one hour. After this period, you must overturn your computing device and pour ordinary honey into the fan you stopped with your writing utensil. Use as much as you are able to obtain. Finally, wait one further of your Earth hours and plug the machine in. Be sure that the pen is still inserted into the fan.
IH: Uh... okay. Are you sure that's a good idea?
KDR: 100% certainty level.
IH: Okay then... I'll call back if it doesn't fix the problem.
KDR: Certainly. Good bye.
IH: Bye.

Upon disconnecting, I reconfigured the telephone system to forward this human's further attempts at communication to an answering machine only accessible by me. A few hours later, it called back.

Answering Machine: *BEEP* We apologize for the inconvenience, but we cannot take your call at this time. Please leave a message.
Idiot Human: YOU #&%@ING MOTHER#&%@ERS! I'LL #&%@ING KILL YOU!! MY #&%@ING COMPUTER CAUGHT ON #&%@ING FIRE YOU #&%@ING #&%@TARDS! AAAAAAUGH! #&%@!!! *click*

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