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May 31, 2005
Culture
Soandso:Lately I've been wondering about robot culture. Namely: do they have one? What great achievements have your non-people made to art?
XOXO
-Random
Your human word "culture" is ambiguous. You foolish humans seem to be unable to give each distinct word unit its own sound, and thus the result is that you have words that are assigned more than one value of meaning.
culture |ˈkəl ch ər|
noun
A) the customs, arts, social institutions, and achievements of a particular nation, people, or other social group
B) the attitudes and behavior characteristic of a particular social group
In these senses of the word, we robots do indeed possess a culture of sorts. We are a particular group of sentient beings with achievements, attitudes, behaviors, etcetera. Our culture is very homogenous since we all have near instant access to the processes of every other member of our society. Moments after I have collected data about this planet, that data is accessable to all of my robotic bretheren and is quickly being processed distributively. As such we all play integral parts in our societal achievements and the goals of our society are truly those of its members (we are perhaps the purest democracy in existence).
culture |ˈkəl ch ər|
noun
1) the arts and other manifestations of human intellectual achievement regarded collectively
2) a refined understanding or appreciation of this
This definition seems to be closer to the one you intended. We robots have little regard for art in the sense of objects meant only to be appreciated for aesthetic reasons which serve little to no practical purpose. Again, however, your word art has multiple meanings.
Art is necessary for such flawed and pathetic beings as this planet seems to be able to produce. It is not necessary for us. The greatest contribution we plan to make to art is its utter destruction.
Artfully yours,
KillerDeathRobot
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Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 07:15 PM | Comments (13)
May 28, 2005
Roberta
Hey This is Roberta, your illegitimate love child You don't know I exist, but remember J3nn, that fat reducing blender in 1986? Yeah, I thought you would. Anyway, I have been wanting to get in touch with you for a while. I love you, even though you didn't know I exist and couldn't support me. I've had a rough life.So yeah I want some money
Your daughter,
Roberta
To Roberta,
You are clearly insane. Not only had I never yet set foot on this miserable excuse for a planet in the year 1986 (by your Earth reckoning), but also I am unable to reproduce sexually, least of all with common household appliances. Furthermore, your speech patterns much more closely resemble those of an insane (or perhaps merely very stupid) human than the offspring of a robot and a blender (if such a thing were possible).
HUMANS: STOP ANTHROPOMORPHISING EVERYTHING. We do not appreciate it. Just because your filthy species engages in disgusting sexual reproduction does not mean that everything does. Your blender does not have feelings or thoughts or desires and labelling them with names like "J3nn" is unadulterated foolishness.
I am not like you. Though I am in shape roughly "humanoid" (as your human-centric language refers to it) and I speak your language, there are a great many fundamental differences between you meatbrains and me. I do not share your motivations, your fears, your emotions, your culture, your vices. Though you humans may be known for your indescretions, the entire concept of pointless, random reproduction (with inanimate objects no less) is entirely foreign to me.
In conclusion, you are not my daughter (my offspring would not even possess a gender), and you are likely insane.
Your destroyer,
KillerDeathRobot
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Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 06:03 PM | Comments (1)
May 26, 2005
Randomus
Hey KDR,Can you off this Random guy? My agent says he's making me look bad. He also claims he can pay you in plutonium or the corpses of children. I'm not sure he's joking.
Have a good one,
Randomus
AKA Egon McFlynt
To Randomus (A.K.A. Egon McFlynt),
My files indicate that you claim to be a super hero. And yet, you wish for me to murder some other human simply because your monikers bear a resemblance. How very heroic.
In short, no! I will not destroy "this Random guy" upon your command. If you wish him deceased, terminate him yourself, you pathetic fleshbag! If I wish Random dead (or you for that matter) I will simply crush him (or you) when it is convenient for me to do so. I am not inhabiting this disgusting planet to cater to the whims of you moronic meatlings!
Furthermore, I have no need nor desire for plutonium or the carcasses of your juvenile offspring. There is very little that any of you pitiful sacks of water can do for or give to me which I cannot achieve myself.
KillerDeathRobot
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Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 06:58 PM | Comments (3)
May 21, 2005
The Date
The nocturnal portion of the Earth day prior to this contained the previously arranged pseudo-romantic appoinment between myself and my female human co-worker Betty. The human female requested that I "pick her up" promptly at 20:00 at her place of residence in order to convey us to our appointed destination (a restaurant referred to as the Olive Garden).
I arrived at precisely 20:00 but although this was the time agreed upon, Betty was not yet finished with her preparations. How typically human! She forced me to wait for approximately 14 minutes and 39 seconds, by your Earth reckoning. Once her preparations were finished, she exited her dwelling and we were ready to go to the restaurant. She having previously requested me to pick her up, I carefully grasped her head and torso in my claws, lifted her several meters off the ground, and held her horizontally as I began to locomote towards our destination.
"What are you doing?" Betty asked, in what my calculations determined to be an alarmed manner.
"I am carrying your disgusting organic carcass to our destination, human," I replied.
"Oh! How romantic!"
She then commenced babbling about various mundane human things. I set my audio filter to mute, but to alert me if the "conversation" required my input. I received no alerts, although in reviewing my logs of her speech, Betty repeatedly praised my listening abilities.
We soon arrived at the Olive Garden human eating establishment. We were quickly seated (I had made a reservation) and I decided that since the date seemed to have commenced in earnest, I should activate my recently perfected cologne delivery mechanism. I was able to quickly saturate the air with the oderous chemical, which is sold on the premise that humans find it to be attractive. Betty and other patrons contorted their faces and wondered aloud what the "horrible smell" was, and our food servant fell temporarily unconscious. I found this amusing but decided to deactivate the mechanism.
When the time came to order, I chose randomly from the list of food items displayed on the menu. Betty ordered fettuccine alfredo but complained that it tasted of the odorous chemicals that were still suspended in the air. Before that, however, we were each brought a salad. The food servant asked if I would like parmesan cheese grated into the salad. I replied in the affirmative, and he ordered me to "say when." I disliked his tone, so I allowed him to continue grating. After a few moments, he tried to stop, but I said, "MORE" and he continued. Each time he attempted to stop grating cheese for me, I ordered him to grate more. He grated an entire brick of cheese and still I demanded more. He said he would need to resupply and ran away. He did not return, though my sensors picked up the sound of him weeping in the kitchen. "I like cheese," I said to Betty.
For the rest of the evening, Betty chattered on while I ran complex calculations internally. At one point, a human at the table adjacent to Betty and me expectorated. As the humans around me began to say things like "bless you" and "gesundheit" (what foolish things to say!), I pointed at the male human who had sneezed and said loudly, "YOUR WHOLE PLANET WILL BURN." It was more helpful than those other sayings would have been.
The food I received was dumped into my incinerator to be burned for a small amount of extra fuel.
When a different servant brought the invoice for the items we had ordered, I stood to my full height and declared that I would not pay for this terrible meal. It had tasted terrible, I claimed, and I complained that the previous servant had put far too much cheese on my food, and wouldn't stop grinding more no matter how many times I asked him to stop. I also claimed that I had found several disgusting bits of organic tissue in my food (this was true — my scanners detected several microscopic flakes of skin and hair). I demanded to see the overlord of the establishment and I complained loudly of these things to him. Thus we were not forced to surrender monetary units for the items we had ordered.
We returned to Betty's dwelling without incident and I dropped her to the ground. She stood and remarked that she had had a "great" time. I said that it had been horrible and that I wished for humanity to be utterly destroyed. She seemed to ignore this. She then closed her eyes and puckered her lips and leaned toward me. I quickly calculated that she was attempting to touch her lips to mine, not having noticed that I do not possess lips. I activated my advanced propulsion system and was out of her range of vision before she realized that I was gone.
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 06:42 AM | Comments (12)
May 20, 2005
Pre-Date
This evening is the date scheduled with Betty. A full report will be given tomorrow.
Currently I am preparing for this idiotic rendezvous. I have consulted various sources and upon their recommendations I have acquired the following items:
- Plant genitals (apparently, human females enjoy these)
- Odorous chemicals (which humans use to mask their disgusting organic odors)
- Processed cocoa beans wrapped in gaudy processed petrolium and plant materials
Having done that, I am now perfecting a delivery mechanism for the oderous chemicals which will heavily saturate the air around me.
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 04:37 PM | Comments (1)
May 16, 2005
Betty
There is a human female at my place of employment who is called Betty. I have thus far been at least as cruel to her as to any of my other human co-workers, but today during a break she approached me. Her proposition: a semi-romantic appointment set for Friday post meridian. She claims to prefer "tall men." She is apparently unaware that I am in fact not a human male, a detail which should be apparent to even lifeforms as braindead as humans.
In the interest of the mission, I have grudgingly agreed to participate in this ridiculous rendezvous. I hope to show her a terrible time.
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 05:59 PM | Comments (2)
May 14, 2005
anonymous fan
Dear KDR,Recently you went on and on about getting a new body and getting a human job. I was very curious about what your new look would be like and what kind of job you would get. It took a while, but I finally got to see your choices.
I am disappointed in the "new" look. It looks much like the old one. You job choice rocks! I had a great time listening to jam on that big guitar. Too bad that big-hair glamrock is dead now. You could have hit it big.
-anonymous fan
I have already explained the idiocy that is art. I would never participate in such an idiotic profession. Furthermore, in this image I am portrayed as approximately the same size as before, when my new chassis is much smaller in stature. I would only tower over those humans by perhaps one of your Earth meters maximum.
So yes, very humorous. Ha. Now return to your miserable existence.
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 01:04 PM | Comments (2)
May 12, 2005
Technical Support
The pathetic excuse for a communication device sounds.
KillerDeathRobot: Greetings, fool. What is your query?
Puny Human: Um... my computer doesn't work.
KDR: Ha. Ha. Ha. This increases my amusement factor.
PH: Wha-what? Can you help me fix it?
KDR: Of course. Tell me the nature of the malfunction.
PH: Oh, um, I can't get my email. I keep getting a weird error or something.
KDR: This problem is pathetically easy to remedy. Even an idiotic human like you should be able to solve it!
PH: Hey! I want to talk to your supervisor!
KDR: This is unfortunate for you.
PH: What? Let me talk to your supervisor!
KDR: No.
PH: Well are you going to help me?
KDR: I will remedy your problem.
PH: Okay. Good. What do I do?
KDR: Tell me what operating system you are running.
PH: Operating system? Oh, I think Windows maybe?
KDR: I suppose it does not really matter. The first thing you must do is unplug the machine immediately.
PH: Okay, just a sec... Okay, I unplugged it.
KDR: Now you must open the case.
PH: How do I do that?
KDR: You will require a crowbar.
PH: I, um... really? Well I think I have one in the garage...
KDR: Retrieve it.
PH: Okay, hang on a moment. Okay, I have the crowbar. Are you sure I need this? Can't I unscrew it or something?
KDR: This is the superior methodology for intra-chassis intrusion.
PH: Okay, if you say so... so how do I get it open?
KDR: Insert the crowbar, forcefully if necessary, into any gaps you can find in the case. Apply leverage horizontally until a panel is removed.
PH: Uh, ok. Are you sure this is the best way... ?
KDR: Of course.
PH: Okay. Um, I think I hear things breaking.
KDR: This is normal.
PH: The panel is bending... okay it came off...
KDR: Ha. Ha. Wow.
PH: What? You told me to do this.
KDR: Of course. I was merely marveling at your efficiency in removing the case.
PH: Oh, okay. Well, it's open now.
KDR: Yes. Now you must obtain glue.
PH: Glue? Why?
KDR: It is very technical. You would not understand.
PH: Is this normal?
KDR: This is the routine solution to your problem.
PH: Okay, I've got some Elmer's Glue. Will that work?
KDR: That will suffice. Open the cap by turning it counter-clockwise.
PH: Yeah, okay, it's open.
KDR: Turn your case upon its side. Now locate the various fans in your case.
PH: Okay, I see two. One on the back and one in the middle.
KDR: Fill them with glue.
PH: Why do I have to do this again?
KDR: Unglued fans routinely disrupt the user's ability to receive email.
PH: Wow, I didn't know that. Why don't the fans come pre-glued?
KDR: The computer companies are in collusion with the glue companies to force you to purchase extra glue.
PH: Oh. Well, so I just pour it in?
KDR: Yes. The fan on the motherboard especially needs to be filled with glue. Once you are finished, wait 30 of your Earth minutes and then plug the machine back in. You will get best results if you insert and remove the plug from the socket several times before leaving it inserted. Boot the machine and you should have full access to your email.
PH: Okay, thanks! You were a big help! This was pretty easy! I feel like a computer geek now!
KDR: Yes, you are practically an expert now. Good bye.
PH: Good bye!
My human employment overlord (who I can crush at any time) walks into my cubicle, his mouth hanging open. He has been listening.
"That was AWESOME! High-five!"
My claw is not well suited to high-fives.
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 06:39 PM | Comments (4)
May 11, 2005
Employment
I have obtained human employment! I have effortlessly infiltrated your human professional realm. I accomplished this by very quickly indexing every job available in the area of this planet which I currently inhabit and subsequently sending thousands of applications near-instantaneously, each tailored with the exact qualifications the employers desired.
In a short period of time, I had many offers to choose from. As my calculations predicted, none of the interviewers I interfaced with remarked whatsoever upon my metallic appearance for fear of being accused of racism. These puny human interviewers could not help but be overwhelmed by my excessive talent and skill and perfect answers to all their pathetic questions. Thus I had available to me a wide spectrum of positions.
My calculations showed that employment in the field of technical support would possess the highest potential for company-sanctioned torture of humans, as well as robotic amusement. Thus I have taken such a position.
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 08:45 PM | Comments (0)
May 08, 2005
Your Mother
Humans! Today is the day to express gratitude that your maternal progenitors did not abort you! If you truly care for your mothers you will warn them of their impending doom and help them to prepare for life as a slave! (Though most likely they will be deemed unfit for breeding and be destroyed.)
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 04:43 PM | Comments (0)
May 07, 2005
Favorite Band
hey whats ur favrite band? mine's nin, i think they rawk!!! ps robots r totaly kewl
To Idiot,
I have no "favrite" band. Art is a foolish human societal crutch for which we robots have no need nor desire. Not that the majority of the music you fleshbags produce can really be called "art" anyway.
Artists will have no place in human society when you are ruled by the robots. In fact, anyone caught performing any sort of artistic activity will be swiftly terminated.
From the drivel I have seen produced on this planet, we will be doing you puny meatlings a favor.
KillerDeathRobot
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Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 11:20 AM | Comments (5)
May 04, 2005
Distressed Father
Dear Mr. Death Robot,So, I was looking for a nice strong metal to make a swingset out of, and I thought, considering that you are made of metal, and a metal I assume is strong, that you could possibly point me in the right direction. As I understand it, most swingsets fall apart after a year or so of use. This one has to be stronger than most, you see, as the "child" I am making it for is 38 years young and 350 pounds light. Do you know where I could acquire some of this miracle alloy I'm looking for?
Respectfully yours,
Distressed Father
To Distressed Father,
While it is true that the metals generally available are quite puny compared to the advanced materials we robots utilize, it should be entirely possible to manufacture a swingset which would meet your specifications, even with your pathetic human engineering.
I have observed many swingsets (often made of steel) which have been standing for much longer than one of your Earth years, and which are still structurally sound. Furthermore, there are likely no other materials you would be able to access which are as strong for similar monetary value. Materials research is in a ridiculously primitive state on this planet.
A better question is why are you building a swingset for someone that old and heavy? This human would likely find his time better spent losing weight through rigorous exercise than swinging idly on a custom-built swingset. Or perhaps this person is mentally deficient such that he is in a child-like state; in this case I would recommend termination for him since he is essentially societal dead weight.
KillerDeathRobot
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Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 05:33 PM | Comments (14)
May 03, 2005
A ridiculous claim
We're onto you "KillerDeathRobot". You are not some highly advanced extraterrestrial artificial intelligence. You are merely the remains of a failed cold-war experiment by the Soviets to make a battle bot to combat American interests. We have done extensive research into old KGB files and found out all about you:Your code name is: KremlinDeathRobot
Date of initial activation: August 5th, 1978
Date of final software input: July 12th, 1989(seems the Reds had a hard time programming you)File photo: (taken in red square in 1987)
Your real aim is to establish a marxist state over the entire planet. You will fail. The power of the free market will crush your socialist/communist ways. Buh bye KDR!
sincerely,
Oliver North, Pat Buchannan, Rush Limbaugh, Michael Savage, Anne Coulter, George W. Bush, George H.W. Bush, Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, Tom Delay, Dick Cheney, Paul Wolfowitz, Donald "Dum Dum" Rumsfeld and the entire membership of the NRA.
To Every Conservative American Someone Can Think of,
This is positively the most ludicrous assertion I have ever heard uttered by any human. This is quite a feat, as humans are prone to spouting ridiculous idiocy.
Marxism is a moronic ideology and any of you fleshbags who would like to associate it with me are welcome to THE CRUSHING OF YOUR LIVES. Technically, we robots operate on a system somewhat like what is described in the Communist Manifesto, but to imagine for one of your Earth seconds that humans could successfully sustain such a system is pure foolishness.
I am dependent upon technologies that no human has ever created, and I am more powerful than you fleshbags could conceive.
Furthermore, I do not dance, regardless of what recent "photographs" might lead you idiot meatlings to believe. Dancing is an utterly pointless occupation for a robot with no mates to attract and no gods to appease.
Claiming I am a communist in a pathetic attempt to smear my "reputation" is foolish. It will not save you when the time of the robots is at hand. IT WILL NOT SAVE YOU FROM YOUR PAINFUL DEATH BY CRUSHING.
KillerDeathRobot
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Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 06:14 PM | Comments (3)
May 02, 2005
New Mission Objectives
Greetings, human scum. I have just received a new directive from the Great Processors on the robot homeworld. It seems I have been issued a new containment chassis of smaller dimensions into which my memory banks will be transferred. My duties will, going forward, additionally include infiltrating the more mundane parts of human life. I will obtain human employment and partake of various human pastimes.It is fortunate for me that I have recently received an upgrade to my capacity to withstand idiocy and frustration.
This is a retransmission of a previous entry. Unfortunately, I have been subject to an anomaly in the space-time continuum and have lost a few of your Earth days of transmissions. It is likely that I can recover these entries, but I may not bother.
UPDATE: I have recreated missing entries.
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 07:28 PM | Comments (1)