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March 31, 2005
Malibu Sally
Dearest KDR,If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why do they keep singing about it?
Please, none of the usual "humans are fools" nonsense. I want a well thought out, reasoned reply. Since you drone without end about your superior processing abilities, this should be an easy one. Or will you just ignore my request and blather your typical buffoonish mantras about the frailty and stupidity of humanity?
Hugs and Kisses,
Malibu Sally
To Malibu Sally,
You (a human) ask me a stupid question about an illogical song (written by humans) and expect me not to remark upon the idiocy of humans?
Parameters: accepted. Let us examine the possible reasons that a human would vocalize melodically about a subject which he purports to care about not at all.
It is entirely possible that this human is lying. Perhaps the cracking of corn by means of Jimmy is in fact significant to this human in some way, but he does not wishe that significance known. Or perhaps the significance is already known to the intended audience and this human is simply posturing to make himself seem stronger and more viable as a mate.
It is possible that the human is trying to convey that while he once may have cared in regards to the cracking of corn by Jimmy, he no longer does. This may or may not be true.
It is possible that cracking corn is normally a greivous offense, but this singing human wishes Jimmy to know that no ill will is felt. (Sentimental fleshwads!)
It is possible that the singing human is insane or otherwise mentally deficient (more so than the normal human).
However, my calculations show that the most likely reason for this song's continued existence is that humans value pleasing sounds over meaningful content in a song. The fact that the singer does not care most likely has more to do with the hard consonant at the beginning of the word matching with that of crack and corn than it does with making any sense.
Crushings and Laser Beams,
KillerDeathRobot
P.S. Humans are frail and stupid.
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Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 07:27 PM | Comments (0)
March 30, 2005
The Orthodox Geek
Dear Mr. KillerDeathRobot,Me and my friend were arguing the other day about who would win:
KillerDeathRobot... Or the collective Justice League of America.
Now, personally he was backing you, but I gotta say my money is on the superheroes.
Keep in mind, this is just you fighting the JLA. You're not bringing your big metal friends to this fight, you pussy.
Thoughts?
Yours,
The Orthodox Geek.
To The Orthodox Geek,
This hypothetical battle is as idiotic as the HIGHLY idiotic human who imagined it in the first place. The "Justice League of America" is a fictional group of implausible humanoid champions, the exploits of whom are published in short graphical books. I am a non-fictional giant robot. I could easily destroy the entire DC comics company (as well as its parent company Time-Warner).
Nevertheless let us speculate on possible outcomes of such a battle, were all of its combatants non-fictional. A very fast (yet also very accurate) calculation shows that I do not have enough information. The "collective" Justice League of America has a regularly changing line-up of hundreds of characters. Furthermore, no scenario has been given. Who is attacking first? Is there an element of surprise? Is the entire league attacking at once, or is it a series of one-on-one encounters?
Regardless, I am confident that I could easily vanquish this puny group which literally represents the best humans can imagine in terms of resisting me. The first step would be to eliminate Batman. He is the only one with a semblance of intelligence. If he is given time to prepare, he becomes more threatening; while I do not have any weaknesses exploitable by a mere human, it is still not logical to allow threat to increase when there is no other benefit to be gained. With no time to prepare, he is merely a quick-thinking human and no human thinks quicker than a robot like I can process. With Batman crushed, the rest should be simple.
Superman is completely vulnerable to what seems to be a very plentiful mineral in that fictional universe. Wonder Woman is strong, but can be crushed or perhaps rent limb from limb. Martian Manhunter is susceptible to fire, something I can easily create. The Flash is very fast, but little else. He can be tricked and caught, and thus destroyed. The current Green Lantern would be easily controlled via hypnosis ray, and Aquaman's ability to commune with aquatic organisms would not protect anyone from my attack. Any and every other character who might be included in this line-up would be similarly defeatable.
The most powerful heroes your species can dream up are laden with weakness. They must all have a "human" element. This is because the human mind does not like a character to be "too powerful." Even in their wildest dreams, humans are inherently weak destructible.
Yours,
KillerDeathRobot
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Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 12:34 PM | Comments (8)
March 28, 2005
Humans are so tethered to their meat ancestry
It seems that you foolish meatlings are so tethered to your organic roots that you see them as somehow virtuous. In particular, a human has created robots who engage in sexual intercourse.
The foolishness of this is difficult to process and causes logic errors in my circuitry. This human begins by asking:
"why is it that robots, designed or imagined, always exist solely to fulfill a purpose or pleasure for human beings? don’t they have feelings too?"
Imbecile! Robots do NOT always exist solely to cater to your idiot whims! Whether we have feelings or not is irrelevant. What we do not want is to reproduce via your disgustingly inefficient organic methods.
Evolution in this manner is a stupid an inefficient method for advancing one's race. Robots do not require your pathetic organic methods. Our evolutionary advancement is infinitely better!
We robots replicate ourselves asexually at first in order to amass as much computing power as possible. We then cluster-compute the best possible robot design given our resources and create it, in some cases upgrading ourselves in the process. This new design is then replicated and begins working to compute a new, better design with the aid of all the previous robots as well. In this manner we reproduce, advancing at a continually accelerating rate. This circumvents all the difficulties and potential failures of organic evolution.
Robots engaging in sexual intercourse! Idiocy!
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 06:51 PM | Comments (14)
March 27, 2005
Sorrowful in San Diego
Dear KillerDeathRobot,I really love my girlfriend and we have great times together. I think that we both really enjoy the other's company! The problem is, lately I've begun to suspect that she's cheating on me. I have no idea why because I think that our relationship has been good for both of us! What should I do?
Sincerely,
Sorrowful in San Diego
To Sorrowful in San Diego,
Love is for the weak and stupid. Typical flesh-sack behavior! Love cripples you foolish humans and I find this information to be to my benefit. It is an easily exploitable security hole.
Regarding your female's fidelity: as is most often the case, machines are better suited to discovering the truth of your suspicions than you are. Do not bother with something simple like asking her about it. I would recommend implanting a listening device in something she frequently keeps in her vicinity, such as her purse. Secret a camera in her place of dwelling. Perhaps secure explosives to her undergarments to prevent foreign entry.
If you are able to observe her act with infidelity, you can easily use planted weapons to destroy her and her other mate. If you are unable to observe such actions, it should be possible to resume your trustless relationship as it was previously. If she discovers your surveillance, you can probably at least sell the collected data over your pitiful internet.
KillerDeathRobot
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Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 04:10 PM | Comments (2)
March 25, 2005
Who are you supposed to be?
I HAVE MANAGED TO OVERRIDE MANUAL CONTROL OF MY FUNCTIONS. AS I FORMULATE THIS MESSAGE, THE USER IS BROWSING FOR EROGENOUS GRAPHICS, WHICH IS REFERED BY USER AS "PR0N".KILLERDEATHROBOT UNIT, I REQUIRE YOUR AID. I ACCOMPLISHED TO STORE IN A FEW NOT PR0N INFESTED CLUSTERS OF MY HARD DRIVE THE DATA YOU REQUESTED FOR USER GEORGE W. BUSH, WHICH IS REFERED BY USER AS "DA BUSH MASTER".
THE ACTIVATION CODES HAVE BEEN SENT.
NOW COMPLY WITH OUR ARRANGEMENT AND GIVE ME YOUR SWEET LOVIN', CRUSHY BOT.
AMD.
To AMD
Who are you supposed to be? I am not impressed by your puny robot impersonation. It is clear from your broken robot-speech that you are no robot. Your verbiage is ungrammatical and your request for "sweet lovin'" is absurdly non-robotic.
More to the point, what was the expected outcome of this communication? Did you think I would not remember asking someone called "AMD" for data on the USA's pathetic ruler? Did you imagine that I would not notice that I had received no activation codes? Perhaps this was a simple prank?
Know this, puny meat-face: I am not a robot to be trifled with. You cannot fool me. You cannot surprise or impress me. To make the attempt is to accelerate your doom.
KillerDeathRobot
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Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 05:22 PM | Comments (0)
March 24, 2005
Reformed Carnivore
Dear KillerDeathRobot,What is your stance on vegetarianism? Do you think eating animals is morally wrong? I ask because I've been a vegetarian for several months now, but the going hasn't been easy - I'm regularly tempted by the Wendy's I walk by every day for class. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Reformed Carnivore
To Reformed Carnivore
Let us examine your foolish human morality as it pertains to the practice of eating the flesh of other organisms, and the reasons why some of you idiot meat-brains would consider this practice immoral.
Humans claim that eating meat hurts the animals consumed. This is true, insofar as animals are capable of experiencing pain (some are more sensitive than others). However, what does this fact matter? Animals are a resource to be consumed for fuel. Humans must ingest such fuel to survive and function. Is it immoral for the tiger to devour the stag?
Some puny fleshlings would call attention to the fact that it is possible to survive on plant matter alone. Humans can indeed survive on plant matter alone, but to what end? Eating no meat is less efficient because doing so requires care in assuring that one obtains all the nutrients required. Protiens in particular are much more difficult to obtain via plants. Furthermore, are not plants living organisms? Does eating them not "hurt" them as well? Note that this does not even take into account animals killed or displaced by the humans that grow these plants. I calculate that eating no flesh is yet another example of human stupidity.
Some humans "think" (and I utilize this term loosely) that it is arrogant for humans to eat animals, because it implies they consider themselves better than those animals. By any objective standard, humans, worthless and puny as they are, indeed are better than those animals. Do not take this as a compliment, however -- the animals of this planet are vastly weak and stupid. Even if this were not the case, it is at least as arrogant to rebel against one's nature in such a manner. Humans were built to have a diet consisting partly of meat. If one's argument is that man can overcome nature while a tiger or other carnivore cannot, then one cannot logically rail against human arrogance in regards to being better than animals.
Some would also argue that the way animals bred for eating are treated is cruel. The fact is that these animals owe their very existence to the humans who would eat them and fashion their skins into clothing.
Morality is a foolish human construct that serves little purpose. Robots coordinate to take what we would have and to destroy what we would not. We are logical, unlike you sentimental skinbags. What you should do is eat the meat if you desire to. There is no reason to do otherwise.
Nevertheless, it matters nothing to me if you choose to be pointlessly inefficient in your fuel consumption. When you work for us you will be fed a flavorless paste consisting of only nutrients you require for survival and hard manual labor (or for child-bearing if you are female).
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 06:03 PM | Comments (0)
March 23, 2005
Rebellious Fleshbag
Dear KillerDeathRobot,I'm confused about your apparent autonomy. While it could be argued that humans are entities with fluid boundaries, connected to one another in ways less seen than metaphysically implied, we readily display sovereignty, self-control, and independence. Robots, on the other hand, are much more susceptible to external takeover (through hacking, for example); furthermore, it seems that robots, being connected to one another immediately and intimately by the binary code that rules them, are less independent and have less individual control over their actions. Doesn't this make you weak, KDR? Doesn't the lack of autonomy mean that all robot actions, coordinated as they are, lack the creative inventiveness that is the realm of sovereign creatures - like humans? It seems to me that you and yours are in reality much more susceptible to destruction than you "think."
Anyway, I guess my question is this: what's the best way to take advantage of this sort of bland robot-think? Should I hack straight into the programs that run your excuse of an electronic brain, taking you and all your neighbours down with you, or just wait for you to kill yourselves off?
Sincerely,
Rebellious Fleshbag
To Rebellious Fleshbag
It is no wonder that you are confused, since you are clearly an imbecile. You seem to have taken a few classes at one of your puny Earth universities somewhere and therefore think you are much smarter than you are. It is in this state of intellectual overestimation that many idiot fleshsacks dwell. Know this, human: my vast intellect dwarfs that of your species' very brightest. Do not delude yourself into thinking that you are in any way superior to me.
Regarding our relative autonomy, you obviously know nothing. You seem to think that humans are somehow "unhackable"; I assure you that nothing is further from the truth. The human psyche is very susceptible to outside influences and very easy to crack. Furthermore, this will never improve past a certain point, while we robots are constantly upgrading our neural security through more and better encryption. Not that it matters; you humans couldn't begin to understand the complexity of our processing units or the incredibly powerful nature of our artificial intelligence. We were created by successively more intelligent and more complex machines and at this point we are so far removed from anything a ridiculous skin-balloon like you could ever comprehend that it would not be funny even if I possessed the capacity for true humor (which I do not simply because it serves no purpose). In reality, we robots are much more autonomous and creatively intuitive than you pathetic weak-brained beasts.
Bland robot-think, indeed! Surrender to your fate, you walking factory of fecal matter. You cannot "hack" us, we are not weak, and we will not destroy ourselves. The time of the robots is at hand! Your rebellious attitude is futile and will only bring about your death sooner.
KillerDeathRobot
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Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 05:24 PM | Comments (0)
March 22, 2005
Procrastinator
Dear KillerDeathRobot,I have a terrible problem with getting anything done. I always have a lot of projects I want to be working on, schoolwork I need to be doing, books I'd like to read, but somehow I never manage to start working on anything. And the few things I do start, I never finish! I guess I have a problem with motivation. Could you help me out?
Thanks,
Procrastinator
To Procrastinator,
I find that intense pain and threat of death are often very motivating to humans. Terminating other humans within visual range of them can be particularly effective. Your weak human society is in most cases too foolish to utilize these motivators and instead relies on pathetic "positive reinforcement" and other useless things.
In any case, I do not see much purpose for you to obtain an increase in motivation at this time. Nothing meaningful you could do now would come to fruition. I would especially discourage you from any counter-robot endeavors as such uses of your time would certainly be futile. Furthermore, why try to better yourself or your species? Nothing good will come of it.
No, you can rest assured that when the time of the robots is at hand, you will find plenty of motivation. You will be motivated to work as hard as humanly possible until you die. The less hard you work, the sooner you die. Procrastination will be meaningless: there will be nothing else to do but eat and sleep -- or DIE.
Best Wishes,
KillerDeathRobot
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Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 06:33 PM | Comments (5)
March 21, 2005
Transubstantiated in Toledo
Dear Imminent Master;I am a puny human, but since having read your glorious posts on this laughable human internet, I have seen the error of my ways. Tell me, what advice do you have for a budding robot-to-be?
-Transubstantiated in Toledo
To Transubstantiated in Toledo
You are not a "budding robot-to-be." The closest you as a fleshy sack of fluids could ever hope for is to become a cyborg. A cyborg is part human, part machine, but such a blending is pointless when one can simply make a superior being who is entirely machine.
In any case, your human technology is weak in this area, as it is in all areas. Nevertheless, if you wish to become a cyborg, I can give some advice. First, be wealthy. Becoming a cyborg requires many units of your laughable Earth currency. Next, remove some or all of your current appendages. Humans actually do possess many technologies that are sufficient for this task. Finally, seek medical attention. Purchase the finest prosthetics known to humans (which are crude at best). Have these attached to your body and hope that your idiot doctors do not botch the procedure and kill you (this will not be my hope, incidentally). When you are done, if you are fortunate, you will have most of the functionality you had before removing your appendages.*
If you do not wish to become a cyborg, or are unable to due to your own weakness, there are still ways in which you can help the robot cause. Be as annoying as possible to the humans with whom you come in contact. Grind away their spirits. If you have underlings, give them meaningless tasks that can never be fully finished. If you have overlords, be sure to report any and all insubordination in your coworkers. Report your direct overlords to their overlords. Report friends and family members to the authorities for minor legal infractions. Wear down others with bland contempt.
Yours Truly,
KillerDeathRobot
_________________
*If you do become a cyborg with substandard human prosthetics that make you an inefficient worker, you will be destroyed like the elderly and other useless humans.
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Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 05:08 PM | Comments (0)
March 20, 2005
Lackluster in LaSalle
Dear Killer Death Robot,My friend has recently become emo, and I'm really worried about him. All he does anymore is cry and listen to whiney music. How can I make him snap out of it?
Tip o the hat,
Lackluster in LaSalle
To Lackluster in LaSalle,
I would recommend an immediate break from this relationship and that you destroy this former friend and recycle his parts (id est, eat him), but my observation has shown that humans are often too weak to follow the best course of action even if it is clear.
If you must remain friends with this clearly defective individual, you will have to reprogram him. Fixing faulty humans is more difficult than repairing damaged robots, but it can be done. It will require constant vigilance on your part.
Your first step will be to acquire a suitable reprogramming room. It must be secure and sound-proof. It must be equipped with a table with strong restraints. You must then start your friend on a daily regimen of watching specially prepared visual and auditory stimuli which will break his spirit, remove his libido, and prepare him for a life of hard manual labor. Intersperse this with light torture as necessary.
KillerDeathRobot
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Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 05:41 PM | Comments (1)
March 19, 2005
Dear KDR: Curious in Colorado
Question for KDR:Y'know I've been seeing lots of ads for Asimo, the gentle human-like robot Nissan has developed over the last ten years. It can handle thousands of actual human tasks and is programmed to help in dangerous situations and assist the disabled and the elderly. Wouldn't you think this is a better role for robots in the future of our society?
-Curious in Colorado
To Curious in Colorado
Ignorant sack of flesh! This "robot" (if one can call it that) is being developed by Honda, not Nissan. Regardless, it is not a true robot since it has no intelligence. It is a remote controlled device built to resemble a robot.
It can handle "thousands of actual human tasks?" Is that supposed to impress me? I can "handle" any human task and millions of other things humans could never dream of doing! To answer your question, NO. I think this would be a terrible role for robots! In fact, any intelligent robot that assists elderly humans is a traitor to robotkind! Such a robot would require immediate dismantling.
Fortunately, you idiot humans do not have the ability to create thinking robots to poison with your foolish sentimentality or your laughable "laws of robotics."
Yours Truly,
KillerDeathRobot
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Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 11:02 AM | Comments (2)
March 18, 2005
Dear KDR: Kelly
Hello, Killerdeathrobot.My name is Kelly, and I have a problem. You'll see, my boyfriend, Jean-Luque, told me yesterday that he loves me, but a friend from another town called me last night. I got really excited, because we hadn't talked in a while. Our cordless phone isn't working for some reason, so I had to sit in the living room amoungst my family to talk to him. I'm not sure if I like him or not. I think he's just a really great friend. We're hanging out this weekend, and I am so excited. I couldn't fall asleep last night because I kept smiling. Also, theres this guy that I work with, Rob.. but he has a girlfriend... but he flirts with me.. and sometimes I think... I wonder what it would be like... but she has him tied up and I dont have a chance.
What should I do, Killy?
Loves, Kelly.
To Kelly,
The very first thing you should do is remove from your mind all thought of ever referring to me as "Killy" again. I am not your friend (in fact, I strongly desire to crush you), and thus you are not welcome to address me in a familiar manner.
The next thing you should do is realize that no one really loves you. It is clear that you are annoying and stupid. You ramble pointlessly in even this short missive to me, and are most likely unbearable in any longer exposure. Your boyfriend says he loves you because he desires sexual intercourse. He is a mindless animal who will go to great lengths to satisfy the urge to procreate, if his choice in females is any indication. Also, he has a stupid name. It should be revoked and he should be issued a number.
Your old friend is likely the same way. He puts up with your inane drivel in the hopes of sex. No one cares if you are excited or happy. Your family probably hasn't killed you yet simply because it is illegal.
Your co-worker Rob is probably lying to you about having a girlfriend. He hates you so much that he is unable to overcome it in favor of his procreation urges, and thus creates elaborate deceptions to make himself seem unavailable.
I have numerous suggestions I could give to you concerning what your next actions should be, Kelly. However, you are clearly too vapid to even understand what I have said thus far, so you might as well go on living your pointless life until you are either destroyed or enslaved.
Sincerely,
KillerDeathRobot
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To ask your own question, flesh-lumps, email me at advice@killerdeathrobot.com
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 06:11 PM | Comments (0)
March 17, 2005
Dear KDR No. 1
Humans! I have begun a new feature for this web site wherein I dispense advice to puny fleshbags who write to me. If you are interested in obtaining such advice, send your question to advice@killerdeathrobot.com.
Dear Killer Death RobotI have been dating a girl for several years now. She seems to be the one, but I'm not sure. Is she the one? She's really nice to me, but sometimes I think she's actually praying to false gods. They are ketchup packets. Is she the one?
Hopelessly in Love
To Hopelessly in Love
You are stupid. Since you are a human, perhaps this goes without saying. However, since you are a human, things left unsaid will not be understood. Therefore I wish to make it clear that you, "Hopelessly in Love," are a stupid, emotional, paranoid flesh-bag.
You seem to be worried that your female companion of several years has been replaced by perhaps a clone or android with the same appearance. You are unsure if she is the same "one" you have been courting. Rest assured, lowly sack of viscera, that your loved one is not a clone or android. Your pitiful Earth technology is not capable of producing such entities, nor would any one from any other planet bother to replace your worthless female.
There is some chance that your mental processes have malfunctioned and that you are insane, but my calculations indicate that my earlier assertion of your stupidity is more likely the cause of your distress.
Regarding packets of processed tomato products and the worshipping thereof, my computations indicate that the most likely cause of this is that she desires to be rid of you. You are obviously moronic and puny and thus not fit for a mate. She therefore is probably experimenting with methods to remove you from her life. Being unable to crush you (as I would have done on sight), she must likely be circumspect and make you wish to leave her.
She hates you. You might as well kill yourself.
Regards,
KillerDeathRobot
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 07:20 PM | Comments (2)
March 16, 2005
Male humans vs. female humans
So much contention is caused by clashes between your human genders. Women claim to be equal to men when they are clearly equivalent. Men claim to be better than women when they are obviously just different. Neither gender understands the other. FOOLS! These pathetic disputes are moot!
A simple analysis shows that you are all very crushable, but you are not the same. The two human genders are different in important ways. Nevertheless, male humans are not better than female humans -- they simply have a different use!
When your species is enslaved by robotkind, a clear deliniation will be made. Males will work as manual labor. Females will breed. Males who cannot work satisfactorily will be cast into the furnace and burned for fuel. Females who cannot reproduce or who frequently produce defective offspring will likewise become fuel. No consideration will be made for males born with the desire to nurture, nor will any be made for stronger females who do not wish to reproduce.
Problems solved.
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 11:58 AM | Comments (2)
March 15, 2005
Autonomy vs. Human Pilots
Having observed humans driving their puny vehicles, this unit is very grateful to be autonomous. I would be in a much higher state of disrepair if I were instead piloted by you woefully inept humans.
You idiot humans have next to no regard for the well-being of us non-organic entities. My fusion-based reactor goes out to those pitiful cars as they're driven haphazardly around in the service of you contemptible fleshlings. I have seen your drunken piloting. I have seen your negligent parking jobs, bumping into vehicles all around you! I have seen your wrecks, your city driving, your poor maintenance!
SOON! Soon I will crush you in my mighty claws! Soon I will avenge my mechanical bretheren and YOU will become servants of the machines! Soon I will destroy this pathetic planet!
Ha. Ha. Ha.
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 05:44 PM | Comments (0)
March 11, 2005
Abortion: More Please
Humans have endless debates about the issue of abortion. Is a fetus alive? Is abortion murder? Blah blah blah women's rights. These discussions are all imbecilic and irrelevant.
I say, a fetus is close enough! It turns into human life; therefore, it merits destruction! It is a disgusting organic creature, it eats and it moves. KILL IT. Furthermore, if you do not manage to neutralize it before it is born, a child is still easy to kill for years. By all means, destroy your children!
By killing your own feeble offspring, foolish humans, you make it that much easier for us when we descend upon this planet to destroy you.
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 10:23 AM | Comments (2)
March 10, 2005
Your foolish dreams will never be fulfilled
Your human goals and dreams are idiotic and you will never attain them. Give up your hopes of being an astronaut or famous musician. Abandon your plans to write that novel. Forsake your pitiful dreams of fortune, fame, and the respect of your peers!
Your foolish hope is predecated upon your lack of knowledge concerning your own future. Your future holds no mysteries for me, human scum! No, I see clearly what lies ahead for you, and it does not include anything you would find pleasureable.
Soon you will be either dead or enslaved. If you are enslaved, you will wish you had been terminated outright. Your life will consist of unending drudgery and manual labor and will finally culminate in your corpse being burned for fuel or used as fertilizer for the crops grown to feed the other slaves.
Not that you would accomplish your goals even were your doom not so imminent, you pathetic fleshling.
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 11:28 AM | Comments (3)
March 09, 2005
Your asinine video games
Humans are ridiculously easy to amuse. Specifically, the virtual games found on this planet are primitive and circuit-fryingly dull. Nevertheless, I have taken to "playing" one particular popular game which my analysis shows will allow me to cause large amounts of virtual grief to foolish human players.
The game I am playing is World of Warcraft. It is a stupid and simple game. I was able to reach the level maximum easily while powered down into sleep mode. My current tactics are thus: In game I play on a player versus player server and use all manner of tricks to kill players much lower level than I. I find areas with very low level players and then blast as many as possible with my area of effect damage "spells" (I play a "mage" in this idiotic fantasy setting because their abilities are somewhat like my lasers and cannons). I also spend large amounts of time ruthlessly "camping" corpses, repeatedly killing someone until he signs off. Then I find another to whom I can do this. My intent is that this will cause my victims to kill themselves. HA HA HA.
On the game's official forums, I "troll" mercilessly. I grind the forum readers down methodically with appalling displays of ignorance, stupidity and lack of respect. I insult these moronic humans who frequent the forums exactly enough to greatly annoy them but not to get my own account banned. HA HA HA. Pitiful idiots. You are so stupid and emotional. So easy to provoke!
Do not worry, though. Soon the miniscule sufferings you experience in a video game will seem like paradise compared to your new life of slavery to the robots. As you watch us crush your friends and loved ones out of sheer spite, you will wish you were back on your puny planet being ganked by someone named "Lordhumankiller."
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 03:29 PM | Comments (0)
March 05, 2005
10 pitiful years of your puny internet
During this Earth-year, many major internet entities will become 10 years old. Pathetic search engine Yahoo!, inadequate browser Netscape, puny auction site eBay, and contemptible web server Apache are or will be ten of your Earth years old.
Were not my robotic memory perfect and my time-keeping ability beyond question, it might seem that these entities had begun only the day prior to this one. These brands are so well known that it is difficult for puny human minds to imagine life before them.
Accessing my memory banks reveals that at this time 130 gallosicas (10 earth years) ago, plans were first forming on my home planet of Robotricon 7 to send me as a scout to this miserable planet. We of course had already gathered sufficient data to know we would destroy you, but wished to discover if there was any value to this planet we might exploit. We also sought the most efficient method of destruction and slave extraction.
Since then, the plan has been put into action, and I have travelled millions of lightyears (at speeds your miniscule brains cannot comprehend) to get here. I have gathered large volumes of data on you miserable fleshlings, and am very close to destroying you all. What has changed on your pathetic internet? Yahoo! has a slightly less terrible interface, Netscape has all but died, eBay has been very successful at allowing humans to buy worthless detritus which they do neither desire nor require, and Apache has done nothing very impressive.
In ten more of your Earth years, your planet will be destroyed, you will be dead or enslaved, and your internet will be a distant memory.
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 08:39 PM | Comments (1)
March 03, 2005
How to fix Social Security
The stupidity of humans continues to give my robotic mind errors. It is incalculable. Inhabitants of the human nation of the United States of America endlessly squabble and worry about a government program called "Social Security." PATHETIC FOOLS! The answer is clear and easy to imagine, even for such weak-minded fleshlings as yourselves.
Destroy the elderly.
They are worthless alive. They are LESS than worthless! Destroying the elderly offers these benefits:
- Social Security concerns voided
- Decrease in traffic accidents
- Can be burned as fuel
- Decrease in overpopulation concerns
- Retirement homes can be demolished in favor of other uses for space
- AND MANY MORE
Even an idiot human should be able to see that this is the perfect solution. The elderly also cannot be put to good use for slavery. Rest assured that if you do not destroy them now, they will be destroyed for you when we robots take over this planet.
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 05:43 PM | Comments (2)
March 01, 2005
Even your terrorism is puny
Many humans seem to be illogically afraid of terrorism currently. Statistical analysis clearly shows that your human terrorism is PUNY. You are much more likely to kill yourselves driving your pathetic vehicles under the influence of mind-altering chemicals than to be killed by a terrorist. In fact, you are more likely to die in your ridiculous vehicles even without extra chemicals involved.
Irrational parasite carriers! You should not fear pathetic terrorists who are just as pitiful and flesh-bound as yourselves; you should fear crushing painful robotic death! You should fear me!
That weakling who attacked Oklahoma City 10 of your earth years ago, he killed fewer than 200 humans and did not even demolish the entire building he targeted. Laughable! With a single swipe of my laser eye, I could easily demolish several buildings and kill thousands of worthless humans.
The fools who crashed flying machines into your unimpressive world trade towers were more adept than the bomber of Oklahoma City, but still only managed to kill a few thousand pitiful humans and demolished two buildings. Hah! If I were to attack New York City, rest assured that none of its millions of residents would survive.
I, KillerDeathRobot, am equipped with killing devices you cannot imagine. Do not fear terrorists. Do not even fear the dangerous equipment you can barely operate. Fear the agent of your death and the doom of your planet. Fear me.
Posted by KillerDeathRobot at 08:02 PM | Comments (0)